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9:29 pm
October 31, 2010
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I sat down to write this but before I got started I decided to take a look at the new posts. When I did, I saw Beverly's post about her mom and so I know I'm not the only one…
So, here goes…
Just wanted to hear from folks w/elderly parents that are either taking care of them or having to make decisions about what needs to happen next. This is all due to my 89 yo dad's current situation. He has been blind for many years and gets around by feel, finding his "landmarks" as we say. In the last 2 yrs. he's been have more and more problems getting off-track due to his blindness. Pretty frustrating as his mind is sharp and clear, but he is getting physically weaker due to having to move slow over the years (all because of the blindness).
Even though my husband and I have been staying w/him at nights and haven't stayed at our own house now for most of the last 1.5 years (at first off and on, and now for the last 6 months straight), he's taken several falls in the last couple of weeks during the times when no one was here with him. We had hired some help to come in for evenings to make meals for him and help him get ready for bed, and one other relative comes every day at lunch time, but it seems that he may be quickly heading for needing more than that.
Both my husband and I work full time (and WERE "small acreage house-hunting" until all this came up). We had too much on our plates it seems, so it often feels like we're "burning the candle at both ends".
[As an aside, most people (at least I think) who care for elderly parents bring them into THEIR home rather than moving in w/the parent. But when dealing with blindness, it's extremely important to keep things the same as possible. Our current home is not suitable in any way for even a "sighted" elderly person, and we're still looking when time permits for that little piece of land and home so we keep an assessible floor plan in mine. But...realistically, it would be hard to move him. Of couse...having to go to a home would be much harder... We've even thought of just selling our current home and moving here for the long-run. ]
So…decisions are coming up and I'm the one with POA…..
I wanted to hear from others who have taken care of elderly family members to hear what has worked for you…what you've done/are doing…
10:41 pm
February 10, 2009
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Well, I'm currently caring for my 92 year old father. He uses a walker, but gets around. I too moved in with him because it made much more sense.
When I got out of the Air Force I was looking forward to living nearby, but getting a job in my field… hopefully a fairly high paying one, but his health took a real downturn and it demanded that we either hire someone to care for him, or stay home myself to do so. I decided that my working at least an hours drive away plus the 8 to 10 hours of the work each day, and not only paying a large chunk of my paycheck for his care, but the worry and stress of not being sure he was getting good care just didn't make sense, so I chose to stay home and be the caretaker.
It just made sense to me, plus my retirement while not large helps enough, if barely so, since the cost of living here is quite low.
What does your father say? If he had a room or a 'mother-in-law' suite, where he could share meals with you but still have his own space, would that work? Not sure that's doable, but a simple floor plan with familiar furniture might help him feel safe enough? Downsizing enough so the cost of living would let one of you stay home may not be easy, but it would also mean that there's more time to allow for more 'from scratch' cooking which as we know is much less expensive than more processed but faster meals. Less cost for travel, eating out and work wardrobe, though I don't know if either of your lines of work demand much in that way. Anyway, not sure that's the right answer for you, it just made sense for me.
10:57 pm
October 31, 2010
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Those are some of the things I've thought of myself. I am one of those people who has always wanted to be at home anyway (never wanted a career but the circumstances of life during one "season" demanded it). All good thoughts and I'm encouraged to hear your choice.
If I could talk my workplace into it, most of my work could be done from home (mostly graphic design-oriented and the rest marketing related.) I also have a home business that I'd like to put LOTS more time into that has somwhat fallen by the wayside – even though it is something that is fun and doesn't feel like work – so if I did take the plunge to quit my outside job, it would probably even give me more time to develop that.
Anyway - Thanks..lots of food for thought… (and hoping to hear from more folks too!).
9:07 am
June 2, 2010
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Wow, this post hits close to home. My husband is one of seven children, that is until something comes up with his parents and then he's an only child. On Sunday at 6:30 AM he got a call from his dad who couldn't breathe. His dad hadn't been feeling well for weeks but didn't want to bother anyone by calling. DH spent 7 hours in the emergency room on Sunday. His dad had gained 23 pounds in one week and was in congestive heart failure. He's diabetic but hadn't checked his blood sugar in over 6 weeks. Dh doesn't know how to handle this or what to do. One of his sister's is a nurse and is supposed to be going with his dad to all of his doctor's appointments and monitering his meds and sugar readings. This hasn't been happening.
Only one of the siblings called Sunday to see if DH needed anything or if there's anything she could do. Dh's mom doesn't drive and just had open-heart surgery herself. My husband normally works 13-14 hour days including Saturdays. His siblings have normal working hours. I am concerned for everyone involved here. His mom and dad as well as my husband. He's going to get burned out quickly.
The family dynamic is such that everyone assumes that my husband will take care of everything. Unfortunately, he doesn't know a thing about medicine or the care of his parents conditions. Any thoughts or suggestions.
Sorry for the long ramble, I'm just at a loss.
9:17 am
May 6, 2010
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When my grandpa was 88, my grandparents made the move from their farm into an apartment in town. My grandpa was also blind and they had lived in the same house since the early 60's. The apartment was small and didn't have any steps. With in two days, he could navigate around the apartment with ease and could get where he needed to be (bedroom, bathroom and his chair) without any problems. It kind of surprised me how well and how fast he adapted to his new surroundings.
9:44 am
October 17, 2008
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Kelly, I feel for you and your DH. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same thought process as to what taking care of your parents is. Many believe their parents will always be the strong, go-to person for them always.
5 years ago, Mom (who is 81 now) went into the hospital for the 4th time in less than 2 years (with the stays no less than a week). She has COPD, was put on oxygen in '04 and was high blood pressure meds along with many others. Her last time in the hospital was with an erupted ulcer. She was also diagnosed with macular degeneration about the same time.
She lived 2 hours away from me (where there were 4 other siblings living–all older than me by several years), but it was me who they looked to to guide them as to what to do, they could not deal with it. Each time she was hospitalized, I would take off work to go there then spend extra time helping her at home and going home myself in between to deal with stuff at home.
After the last hospitalization, I asked (putting it mildly!) her to move to my town, I physically just couldn't keep doing what I was doing rushing back and forth and she was only getting older and her eyesight getting worse (and no brother or sister was going to chauffeur her around or tell her she couldn't drive!)
She was at the stage in her life where she wasn't ready to give up any independence…and still is!!! We moved her to her own small apartment (little space means not much cleaning!) that she could keep up herself. She gets winded easily and has a hard time doing some things, but I keep her doing the small jobs and I do the larger ones.
And it may have been wrong of me, but I played the daughter-in-trouble card…I sold my vehicle and I drive hers (so she doesn't have a vehicle to drive with her bad eyesight–she failed the eye test at the license bureau and had to get different glasses– and lack of paying attention–she's had many minor accidents in the last 2 years). When she wants to go shopping, WE go shopping, have a mother-daughter day. I run all of her errands.
When it comes time, and I don't think it will be very much longer, I will play the daughter-in-trouble card again and tell her I need her to move in with me (to help me financially), she's already offered.
That's my story with my Mom. It's very hard to be the care-giver to the person who was my care-giver for so many years. We're still best friends, but the roles have reversed so much. Sometimes I'm not as smooth at making things sound as if they were her idea (the same psychology as dealing with a hubby or SO sometimes!) and we have a meltdown, but we get over it.
Combining 2 households would make sense financially and time-wise. The only drawback I would have personally is feeling like I'm going back in time to high school…no privacy from the mother! But for you, Leah'smom, you're staying with your dad already. Ask him what he feels comfortable with…or make it sound like he would be helping you and not like he needs the help. My mom at least does not like to hear she needs help, she would rather be doing the helping. I work from home and it would actually be easier if she was here, I would only be cleaning 1 place, not 2 and shopping once for all of us instead of once for us, then for her when she needs something.
9:57 am
February 22, 2010
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kellyb,
Your husband needs to have a family conference with his siblings. If you are an only child you buckle down and take the full responsibility for your aging parents…but if you have siblings who live close there is absolutely no reason for one child to do all of the care taking. This conference should be without spouses! That doesn't mean spouses shouldn't be taken into consideration.Spouses tend to get very confrontational when their hubby/wife are being overly burdened
. Even if a sibling won't take any responsibility they should be in on the conference. That way everyone is on the same page.
Families can be torn apart during this stage of their parents lives…so sad.
Stand behind you husband and give him all of your support.
Prayers and hugs for all of you.
10:23 am
June 2, 2010
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Thank you Miss Judy. He has tried to have family conferences on three different occassions. Only three of the other kids showed up. His mom was going into the hospital for surgery and he wanted to make a schedule of what needed to be done etc. All of the kids live within 6 miles of his parents.
I try to be very supportive but I'm at a loss as to what to do. I see him being worn out with taking care of everything. He works so much as it is. I'm worried about him and the effects this will have on his health.
I only have one sister and when my mom was failing she did nothing. The responsibility of taking care of my mom fell to me even though she lived with my mom. I know how difficult it can be. The role reversal in suddenly caring for your parent. It was an honor to be there for her. I know my husband feels the same was, he just doesn't have enough hours in a day to do it all.
He also is experiencing some anger toward his father for not taking better care of himself. I told him those feelings are all normal but I think that's tearing him up as well.
10:43 am
January 1, 2010
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Hi everyone! I helped my sis-in-law and hubby take care of my 97 year old father-in-law. My older sister in-law refused to help. At first, we hired some aids to help my father-inlaw,but as the money was depleated we all pitched in except the one daughter to stay overnite with him. He was always there for my husband and I and he was like a "Dad " to me. He died in the same room that he was born in at the old farmhouse. We now live there and my hubby is fighting cancer and he is sleeping now in the same room-the living room. I think if you can talk your father into moving in with you, you would be combining households and that really would help with all the utilities and taxes,especially in this economy. There are government programs that help if you are low-income to build ramps and revamp bathrooms with safety bars etc. We did that for my father-in-law and it really helped him to stay in his own home,which most of us wanted anyhow. My hubby and I took out a loan to pay for his funeral and expenses to take care of him, but we have no regrets. I hope I can stay here at the farm and live the rest of my days here. I'm 63 and now caring for my husband Norm who has stage 4 bladder cancer. You just take it -ONE DAY AT A TIME! 
11:10 am
October 10, 2009
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I an totally relate to all of you. I was living on the west coast, my father had passed away and my 90 year old mother was living alone in very good health, but was after all 90 years old. As an only child it was my responsibility alone and since I was a medical transcriptionist and could work from home we moved back here and cared for her for three years while I was still able to work. DH was retired and he took over most of her daily care. She was able to get around (with no assistive devices) but had frequent doctor visits and physical therapy. Her health started to go down hill, with first a stroke and then recurrence of breast cancer. She asked for us to place her in a care facility, but DH and I thought it best to keep her home. We provided all her daily care at the last and she was able to stay at home with us until she passed. It was hard to leave family and friends but it was a pleasure to care for her and finally become friends.
So for all of you I offer my prayers not only for the parent/spouse but for yourselves.
Role reversal is difficult at best but we somehow find the reserves deep within and are able to do what needs to be done.
I wish that I had had CITR back then because the support and caring from all these wonderful people here is the best.
8:45 pm
July 24, 2010
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I have also had some experience caring for older family members. One was my mother-in-law, and I was placed in the position of making many of the decisions regarding her care. Not so much that her children were unwilling, they just simply couldn't bring themselves to deal with some of the more difficult issues. She was a very stubborn, independent minded lady (and I loved her dearly), so she was certainly reluctant to move out of her home and give up her independance. We lived 300 miles away, my SIL lived 150, and her other son lived 50 miles away (but wasn't involved in her care). When going home every 2 weeks didn't seem to be enough (she couldn't keep enough fresh groceries, and wouldn't ask any one to pick something up for her), I arranged for Meals on Wheels to come daily. She wasn't happy, said she wouldn't eat the food, but I told her she could throw the food out, at least she would get fresh milk daily, and somebody would come to the door to make sure she was alright. She was mad with me for a bit, but by the next time we came home, she was describing the different meals she had had. Next, we discovered that she was only getting a bath when we came home, because she was afraid she might fall in tub. Sorry, a bath every 2 weeks is not enough!! I called Home Health, and started having an aide come 3 times weekly to help with personal hygeine, the nurse came once a week. Again, she wasn't happy with me at first, but then when we would call (every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) she would tell us all about their visits. Finally though, it became clear that she needed even more help. After that Christmas, we told her she would need to come and stay with one of us (either my husband and me, or my SIL). She chose us. Again, she adapted, and after a visit back to her home when we found a snake in her house, she realized it was best that she was not still living there alone. We hoped to have her with a long time so that we could spoil her the way we thought she deserved, but unfortunately that was not to be. Her health continued to decline, she was finally diagnosed with lung cancer. We were lucky enough to find two wonderful ladies who could stay with her during the day so that we could both continue to work. That way we were able to keep her in our home until the end. We have often commented that we wish we had convinced her to come live with us sooner, but we realize that is selfish, and that after all is said and done, she was happier living in her own home with as much independence as possible as long as possible. I'm glad she got to do that as long as she did.
I've gone on and on, but I guess what I really want to say is, maybe sometimes other family member are simply not equipped either tempermentally, or physically, or emotionally, or economically, whatever, to do their fair share of the caregiving. I knew that I could not change any of that, but I was very priveleged and honored to be involved in caring for her. I do not regret one minute, or one dollar of what we did.
10:23 pm
September 20, 2010
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We bought our home in 1999, my Mom helped with the down payment, she lived downstairs in the inlaw unit and we lived up stairs and still do. In 2005 my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, up until this time she was very independent, I loved the fact that she was down stairs and my children loved her dearly spending very special quality time with her. I took care of her until she died. This for me was an honor, I wanted her to be able to stay at home and spend her last days around the people who loved her. Our whole family cared for her, my brother and sister were able to come and spend time with her as well as the grandkids. I had hospice and a visiting nurses out a couple of times a week. I realize that not everyone can do this, and you have to do what is best for you and your family. For me this was a very important experience and it taught my children that life is very precious. 
2:57 pm
September 2, 2008
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Thanks to al of you who have shared their stories. Some family members can not face the fact that their parents have suddenly become like children who need to be cared for, bless the ones who take the responsibility. I have no regrets in taking care of my Mama or my Sister, some of the siblings helped, some were not able to. In my heart I know that I did the 'right' thing.
5:49 pm
June 2, 2010
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Thank you to everyone for your thoughts on this matter. Cindy P you've got some great ideas. Last night DH and I sat down and I asked what I could do to help him and support him. He's not even sure what to do next. His dad is home from the hospital with his meds adjusted. We came to the realization that nurse-sister isn't going to be of any help so we're checking into visiting nurses. The problem, his parents have no money so we'll need to figure that out as well.
My husband wants to honor and care for his parents, he's just not sure how. He acknowledged that a family conference would be ideal but won't happen. He can count on two of his sister's a bit so that's where we are. Right now our plan is to keep them in there home as long as possible and then we'll see.
I know this is a difficult topic but as you can see it has impacted many of us. Thanks to all for sharing and allowing this to continue.
7:37 pm
October 31, 2010
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Thanks everyone who has contributed to this topic. It has been good to read everyone's story so far – and hearing from those who are still in the middle of figuring out what's next.
9:12 pm
October 18, 2010
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I don't know about other states, but here we have Elder Services that will help with many issues. All you have to do is call and someone will be available to help you with whatever you are worried about.
And if money is an issue, as it frequently is, there is help available for that too through some state agencies. Please don't feel you are alone and there is no help.
Don't be afraid to ask. That is their job to help you get through it, in whatever way you need.
9:43 pm
October 31, 2010
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Wanted to update to say that I think we've made peace with staying here with my dad. I know he wouldn't get the care he is getting in his home if he were in a nursing home. He does seem to be getting a little slower about things and is quite noteably less able to be on his own than even 6 months ago.
Our "small acreage house hunting" has kind-of been dead-end anyway as we haven't been able to find anything in the area we're interested in. (Sometimes I wonder if it has been providential that we haven't found that "dream property" just yet – just not the right time.)
So…..now I REALLY WANT to at least get a few chickens (maybe only 5 or 6) and just get started here. 
There is plenty of room, just need to figure out how to get a little shed suitable for a chicken coop. (I've never had chickens – or any farm animal for that matter – before.)
Then the next thing to contemplate is the cow… 
Whoa, dad…you didn't know what you were getting int when we moved in here!!! 
And thanks, again, for all the responses. It was VERY ENCOURAGING.
11:58 am
February 15, 2011
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You are all so lucky that your loved ones retained their ability to think. We had my MIL live with us for about 3 years before she flew into tantrums and insisted on moving in with the other son… and from there to a hospital… and from there to the nursing home, where she was the witch of the west corridor. Everything that was ugly and manipulative came out. It was hard to even visit her. She did nothing but gossip and quote the bible, a deadly combination!
That was nothing compared to the activites of my elderly frail uncle. He is 89, and last year was diagnosed with blocked carotid arteries and many many blockages in the brain. He had always been a sweet and giving man, and the four of us neices and nephews who live within a mile of him took care of him so he could stay in his home. He always had a garden and enjoyed coming to ours, telling us how to raise our chickens. One sister set up his meds each week, one cleaned his house, nephew kept his car and truck running, and we took turns taking him to various doctors. He survived cancer twice.
About 2 years ago, he suddenly became a different person, hateful and nasty, who accused us of doing things like stealing the gas line off his lawn mower so he could not ride it, disabling his ATV, and so on. He broke his arm falling down in his own yard, and we cared for him, then took him to have cataract eye surgery so he could keep his drivers license, hurried over to take him to ER when he fell down while visiting his girl friend and then tried to drive home and wrecked his truck. He stopped going to the church he had helped build in the 40's.
Then, he sold his property to the neighbor across the street… 4 acres with house, 3 outbuildings, shop, and all the house contents… for $10,000. None of it was our business, he said. He was mad at all of us for weird reasons, different in each case and petty.
His son came from another state and took him home while he was having a rational moment. BUT, none of us were allowed to get any mementos or photos of our dear aunt who had passed away several years ago, or any of her beautiful quilts and embroideries, all lost to strangers who probably threw them out. He only took his clothes and left everything, even his dog and cat.
So, everything was calm since he left in June. He had his own bedroom and bathroom and his daughter-in-law cooked anything he requested. She is kind of loud, but not mean at all.
Then, August 15, other relatives from Oklahoma showed up at his son's house in Tennessee to pick him up! He had called and told them that his son was abusing him and had given him three days to find another place to live. When he got to OK, he kept phoning to ask his son to send him things, like his pocket knife, his shotgun, and so on. Son finally said no, no more, can't send things like that through the mail. This is over.
Uncle started calling and demanding that various people come and get him right now, these people had given him three days to get out. Sound familiar? But none of us wanted him to live with us, he has turned into a difficult and demanding man, and we wanted him to come to our very nice assisted living center. He would not hear of it. He flew into a rage when we mentioned returning to Tennessee. He needed more care than we could give. We are all close to 70!
So, on the 22nd, after having a yelling fit in Oklahoma and threatening to call the police on them, now the relatives in Oklahoma have placed him in a nursing home with dementia, "not going to put up with that nonsense like y'all did…" We are all powerless to do anything.
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