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4:33 pm
November 22, 2008
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GeorgiaZ
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HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR PET CAT:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position left hand forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air….
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5:21 pm
November 22, 2008
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Leahld22
| | Newburgh, IN | |
| Superstar | posts 2673 | 
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Please………….Georgia,sssssssssstop it! I'm laughing so hard I'm cryin and its scarin my cats! Leah
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Life is too important to be taken too seriously.
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7:54 pm
November 22, 2008
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SusanD
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| Big Chicken | posts 81 | |
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I agree with Leah. My husband thinks I've lost my mind. I haven't read this to him yet.
Susan
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1:15 am
November 23, 2008
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Jayne
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Shoot I don't even have to wrap it in Bacon, I just toss it in the air and he wants it!
:J
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1:15 am
November 23, 2008
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Jayne
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Shoot I don't even have to wrap it in Bacon, I just toss it in the air and he wants it!
:J
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11:01 am
November 23, 2008
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GeorgiaZ
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! J
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1:33 pm
November 24, 2008
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Jayne
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OMG! That cracked me up so much people came in to see what I'm laughing at!
:J
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2:24 pm
November 24, 2008
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Salamander
| | Charleston, WV | |
| Superstar | posts 1031 | |
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DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PAR TS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, 'HONEY, YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED, BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'
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The person who upsets you the most is your best teacher, because they bring you face to face with who you are.
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6:09 pm
November 24, 2008
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GeorgiaZ
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Thank you Amanda, THAT was the perfect Thanksgiving joke!!! I bow to you! And thank you for stepping up to make sure there was one for today as I am really busy.
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12:24 pm
November 25, 2008
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Belladonna
| | Bossier City, Louisiana | |
| Super Chicken | posts 924 | |
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That last line, cracked me up…OMG. Ha
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5:34 pm
November 25, 2008
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Jayne
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OMG! That's gross! But I understand! LOL!
:J
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10:36 am
November 26, 2008
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GeorgiaZ
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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12:15 pm
November 26, 2008
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Leahld22
| | Newburgh, IN | |
| Superstar | posts 2673 |
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What else could the mother have said "He's in mourning?" HA
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Life is too important to be taken too seriously.
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2:01 pm
November 26, 2008
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Belladonna
| | Bossier City, Louisiana | |
| Super Chicken | posts 924 | |
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7:57 pm
November 28, 2008
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WV_Hills
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Sign seen in local grocery store:
"Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."
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8:02 pm
November 28, 2008
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WV_Hills
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Billy went to the revival and listened to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asked anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Billy got in line.
When it was his turn, the preacher said "Billy, what do you want me to pray about?"
"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing," he replied.
So the preacher put one finger in Billy's ear and the other on top of his head and prayed.
After a few minutes, he removed his hands and said "Well, Billy, how's your hearing now?"
Billy scratched his head and said, "I don't know, preacher. It's not until next Wednesday."
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12:56 pm
November 29, 2008
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Belladonna
| | Bossier City, Louisiana | |
| Super Chicken | posts 924 | |
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WV_Hills…those two above are HILARIOUS!!!!!
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9:50 am
December 2, 2008
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GeorgiaZ
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO
USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES,
USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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9:52 am
December 2, 2008
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GeorgiaZ
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Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything…but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down a flight of stairs!
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11:45 am
December 3, 2008
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GeorgiaZ
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How to maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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