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1:39 pm
July 1, 2009
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Salamander
| | Charleston, WV | |
| Superstar | posts 1031 | |
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Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:…. Cost – $29.99
Clinton:….. Cost – $29.99
Titanic:….. Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:… Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:….. The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:… The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:…. Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:…… Bill is a bull artist.
Titanic:…. In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:…. Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:….. During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:…… Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:….. Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:… Let's not go there.
Titanic:….. Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:….. Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:….. Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:….. Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:….. Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:….. Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:….. Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:….. Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing
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The person who upsets you the most is your best teacher, because they bring you face to face with who you are.
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2:08 pm
July 1, 2009
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JeannieB
| | Columbia, South Carolina | |
| Superstar | posts 1453 | |
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Amanda, thats too funny!!!
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Don't cry because it's over—smile because it happened!
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8:00 pm
July 1, 2009
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monica
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| Mighty Chicken | posts 494 | |
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wow that is a "monica" joke I have never heard of! and I have heard them all!
Sincerely,
Monica, not of the Lewinsky family
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My budget plan is NOT getting a cart when I go to the store.
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8:02 pm
July 1, 2009
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monica
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| Mighty Chicken | posts 494 | |
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My budget plan is NOT getting a cart when I go to the store.
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9:58 am
July 3, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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Thought of the day………….
Women are like phones………….
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button, and your a$$ is disconnected
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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10:15 am
July 3, 2009
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Salamander
| | Charleston, WV | |
| Superstar | posts 1031 | |
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The person who upsets you the most is your best teacher, because they bring you face to face with who you are.
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8:06 am
July 13, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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KITCHEN WISDOM
  VS 
Martha: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
Martha: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine: Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
Martha: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Maxine: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Martha: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.
Martha: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Martha: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine: Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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8:38 am
July 13, 2009
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WV_Hills
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I love Maxine! She reflects exactly how I feel and think most of the time. Thanks for the chuckle as I wake up and try to get moving this morning.
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9:12 am
July 13, 2009
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Jayne
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9:33 am
July 13, 2009
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monica
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| Mighty Chicken | posts 494 | |
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My budget plan is NOT getting a cart when I go to the store.
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11:05 am
July 13, 2009
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Jayne
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I don't even try to be Martha. I'm Maxine all the way!
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10:22 am
July 14, 2009
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GeorgiaZ
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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12:16 pm
July 14, 2009
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monica
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| Mighty Chicken | posts 494 | |
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My budget plan is NOT getting a cart when I go to the store.
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7:51 am
July 15, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided. Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture…wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry…I'll run…if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, “She's so sweet when she's sleeping!”
God Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere!
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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8:42 am
July 16, 2009
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JeannieB
| | Columbia, South Carolina | |
| Superstar | posts 1453 | |
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Yeah Cindy, I hear that, I hope and pray I don't have to live with my kids, wait a minute— they will never leave, so I guess I will always live with my kids!!
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Don't cry because it's over—smile because it happened!
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8:43 am
July 16, 2009
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JeannieB
| | Columbia, South Carolina | |
| Superstar | posts 1453 | |
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BTW, I am a Maxine, once in a while I get a little Martha-ish– not often!!
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Don't cry because it's over—smile because it happened!
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9:30 am
July 16, 2009
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beeyourself
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I'm a Martha with a Maxine mouth.
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9:40 am
July 16, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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beeyourself said:
I'm a Martha with a Maxine mouth.
Picturing it, picturing it……now to have Maxine living with her kids! 
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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11:25 am
July 31, 2009
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WV_Hills
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(This was simply too much of a time saver not to share, and if you’ve seen it I think it bears repeating.)
1. Put both lids of the toilet up
and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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3:33 pm
July 31, 2009
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JeannieB
| | Columbia, South Carolina | |
| Superstar | posts 1453 | |
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Don't cry because it's over—smile because it happened!
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', '1');" src="../../../../wp-content/forum-smileys/icon_wave.gif" alt="Wave" />I think there is a bit of martha and maxine in all of us! I try to be like martha, but it usually ends up as maxine. 
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