'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Tommy O'Reilly?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Kathy McDonough?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Erin Shanahan?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nancy Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Bridget O'Sullivan?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Kathleen Fitzgerald, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Liam slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault…women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police…'
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, Don't mess with them.
Saw this on "Sreamy Kitchen'. Well known people and celebs. asked to answer the question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?" I feel that we as Chickens in the Road,should be informed
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…
ANDERSON COOPER – CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra………… Reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET GIRL ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO CHUCKY GOES." I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET GIRL. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE." THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS TROUSERS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATRE HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE. MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. WHAT?" SAID MARGE. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE. HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL." I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ……… ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN"!!!!!!
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? > > (they don't stop to ask directions) > > > WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? > > (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) > > > > HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? > > (don't know…..it never happened) > > > > WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? > > (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) > > > > One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his > > Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to > > me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' > > 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' > > He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' > > > > And they say blondes are dumb… > > ———————————————– > > > > A couple is lying in bed. The man says, > > 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' > > The woman replies, 'I'll miss you…' > > > > ———————————————————– > > > > 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he > > stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would > > think if I mowed the lawn like this?' > > 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. > > > > ———————————————– > > > > What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive > > man? > > A: A rumour > > > > > > ———————————————————– > > > > Dear Lord, > > I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; > > And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll > > beat > > him to death. > > AMEN > > > —————————————————– – > > Q: Why do little boys whine? > > A: They are practicing to be men. > > ———————————————– > > > > Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for > > breath and calling your name? > > A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. > > > > ———————————————————– > > > > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? > > A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that S.O.B. on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Everyone has a Prince Charming. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
As a former blonde, I feel I am allowed to tell blond jokes. I've been a "redhead" for years and I think my natural color is now silver. lol
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
Everyone has a Prince Charming. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Christmas Cake Recipe……..Okay its a bit late,but you might like to try it next year
Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour * 1 stick butter * 1 cup of water * 1 tsp baking soda * 1 cup of sugar * 1 tsp salt * 1 cup of brown sugar * Lemon juice * 4 large eggs
* Nuts * 2 bottles wine * 2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup… Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe worktop with the cat. Go to Tesco and buy a stupid cake.
Bingle Jells!
Prefer to substitute the wine with a nice malt meself….Bon Ppetit or somefink
Contact
Login 
Register 
Search 
Home
13141516 17
18192021
Oh now that's too, too funny! 
Topic RSS 
