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2:55 pm
March 1, 2009
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Leahld22
| | Newburgh, IN | |
| Superstar | posts 2673 | 
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VINTAGE HUMOR!
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Life is too important to be taken too seriously.
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10:00 pm
March 4, 2009
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WV_Hills
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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12:51 am
March 5, 2009
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Leahld22
| | Newburgh, IN | |
| Superstar | posts 2673 |
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LOL! That is hilarious,Kathy!
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Life is too important to be taken too seriously.
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11:56 am
March 6, 2009
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GeorgiaZ
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1:53 pm
March 6, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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bet he couldn't fit back up that tiny hole!!!!!!!!!
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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3:43 pm
March 6, 2009
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GeorgiaZ
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Just a little outhouse humor for Suzanne!
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1:48 pm
March 8, 2009
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GeorgiaZ
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For those of us working in the healthcare field, these are extra good!
1. The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without our permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, xxx-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got divorced.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circumcised.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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12:13 am
March 9, 2009
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Leahld22
| | Newburgh, IN | |
| Superstar | posts 2673 |
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That's funny Georgia! I was trying to figure out which one was the worst charting but they're all pretty bad! Ha,ha!
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Life is too important to be taken too seriously.
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12:16 am
March 9, 2009
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Leahld22
| | Newburgh, IN | |
| Superstar | posts 2673 |
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This one is for Shells:
Do you know what the difference is between doctors and God?
God knows He's not a doctor!
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Life is too important to be taken too seriously.
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12:21 am
March 9, 2009
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Shells
| | Vancouver Island, British Columbia | |
| Superstar | posts 1184 | |
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LOL … isn't that the truth !!
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12:23 am
March 9, 2009
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Shells
| | Vancouver Island, British Columbia | |
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13. While in ER, she was examined, xxx-rated and sent home.
Sometimes they even come in XXX-rated !!!
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10:16 am
March 9, 2009
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GeorgiaZ
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10:58 am
March 9, 2009
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beeyourself
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GeorgiaZ said:
19 was for Bee!
LOL – thanks Georgia!
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1:55 am
March 14, 2009
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WV_Hills
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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2:14 am
March 14, 2009
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Leahld22
| | Newburgh, IN | |
| Superstar | posts 2673 |
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Ha! Love that one WV!
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Life is too important to be taken too seriously.
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7:09 am
March 14, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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9:46 am
March 14, 2009
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GeorgiaZ
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10:46 am
March 14, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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11:26 am
March 16, 2009
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WV_Hills
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Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
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11:41 am
March 16, 2009
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CindyP
| | Hart, MI | |
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“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have time to make them all yourself.” ― Alfred Sheinwold
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