I’m engaged in a battle with the wood stove. I want smoke coming out of here.
And it wants to watch The Bonnie Hunt Show and Inside Edition. It’s lazy. Or it likes other people better than me because it will only light for them.
I took lessons from its Favored One. I practiced under his tutelage. (I’m talking about 52.) And then I got cold and decided to do it myself! I am woman! Watch me make fire!
All by myself!
And so yesterday, all alone, I put on my battle gear and I said, “Wood stove, we are making fire today!”
The wood stove didn’t say anything back. Just in case you think I’m actually crazy.
I hear tell I’m supposed to clean this mess up before I get going.
I sorta kinda cleaned it up. No need to be picky. It’s dirty and I don’t like dirty stuff. Which is why I live on a farm and step in doo-doo all day long.
Anyway! First, I gotta put some crumpled up paper in there.
Then I lay in some kindling. And then some logs. And I arrange everything just like other people do when the wood stove performs magic tricks for them. I’m ready for fire!
Wait. THEN I make sure I know where the fire extinguisher is. Because I don’t really trust myself.
Then I get to make fire! This part is fun! I get to light stuff up!
It’s off to a good start. There are flames, see? I’ve got this thing nailed.
Okay, mostly that’s just paper. But it’s going to get there. I feel it. Me and the wood stove, we’re in sync now.
A fire needs air. So I’m supposed to pull out this knobby thing.
And I’m supposed to leave the stove door open a little bit.
I’m following directions. Why don’t I have more fire? I poke it, and it gets mad and flames up.
It gets going good, so I shut the door and turn on the blower. Time to bask in the warmth of my fire.
You know what this fire needs? More paper.
I know. I could fill up the ENTIRE STOVE with paper! I’d have a big fire then.
It’s going to be a long, cold winter, isn’t it?