I’ve Never Seen Such Carrying On

Jan
25


When you have a farm, suddenly so many terms make sense. Like calling someone a chicken or a pig. You can see why, after you have a chicken and a pig.

Try having a goat.

You know, of the male persuasion.

So many figures of speech are explained.

I thought Rhett and Eclipse might have catatonic seizures after they arrived on our farm. We put them temporarily in the goat pen. They could see–and even lick–the girls through the fence. It drove them insane. These young bucks haven’t seen girls before, but they know what they are and they want them. Bad.

Rhett and Eclipse are both permanent residents at Stringtown Rising Farm, to answer one of several questions following yesterday’s post. Rhett was originally intended to come along with Eclipse as a wether. I thought he was related to Clover and Nutmeg. Turns out, he’s not, so his plans changed. Rhett is smaller than Eclipse though they were born the same week. They are both Cowboy’s babies. As in any breed, there is a natural variation in size. Eclipse is large for a Nigerian Dwarf buck, and Rhett is on the small side. Nigerian Dwarf goats are a miniature breed, and for those who want them as pets, a small buck will make small babies–preferable for pet goats. Eclipse will make bigger babies, and for milkers, that will be preferable. Clover is a larger doe, so she will be bred to Eclipse. At one and a half, Nutmeg is turning out to be a small doe (if you don’t count her voluptuous girth), so she will be bred to Rhett. I think Nutmeg will handle Rhett’s babies more easily.

After letting the boys settle in a bit, I observed Clover’s clear receptiveness to Eclipse.

She let him whisper in her ear.

And lick her.

The tongue action is disgusting! Eclipse had been going nuts all day, making weird clicking noises and grunting and flashing his tongue like a nasty 70’s rock star. AND CLOVER LIKED IT. (The wench!)

Clover: “He’s younger than me. He seems quite energetic. I love me a boy toy!”

In all the nouveau farmer wisdom I possess, I figured we’d just let Clover in the goat pen and that little one (Rhett) would be no bother since it was obvious she and Eclipse had a thing going on and, after, all, Eclipse is bigger and must be top buck. Wow, that little one was on top of Clover faster than you could say horny. He looked like Rat Dog trying to climb Mount Coco. He ended up spending the rest of the afternoon crying at the top of his lungs in the goat house while Clover and Eclipse had a little tryst.

The tryst involved a lot of tongue and other disgusting behavior that I’ll (mostly) spare you.

If I were a better organized farmer, I would have had Nutmeg in the goat house with Rhett, but I’m not, so Rhett will have to await another day to see his love. Not that Nutmeg seems interested, unlike Clover, who couldn’t throw off her haughty attitude fast enough to leap into her lover’s arms. (Wench!)

Everyone watched. They’re all too young to watch.

I’m too young to watch.

I fear for Mr. Pibb’s innocence.

I fear for my innocence.

The grunting and groaning and huffing and spitting and something that sounded like downright sobbing went on for HOURS in the goat pen while Clover and Eclipse shared…..NASTY MOMENTS…..together. It was a warmish evening for January. We sat on the porch and….listened. Because we couldn’t help it. Because everyone in a 10-mile radius had to listen.

Me: “I think we need to get a Bible and read it to them! They need to be saved!”

52: “It’s far, far too late……”





Comments

  1. cecil says:

    This is so funny!!

  2. Box Call says:

    Sounds like someone already read the Bible’s imploration to go forth and multiply. I am still laughing at this story.

  3. Cindy says:

    That’s so awesome, hahaha. You’ve got quite an entertaining life there. It’s SO boring here in comparison!

  4. Cynthia Stinson says:

    I think the goats read Song of Solomon to each other. SOS 4:1 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh how beautiful. Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your neck is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. God invented the best sex of all! Read it and be surprised!

  5. Mia says:

    Is it just SAD that your goats have an exciting love life and I don’t???? hahaha Love reading these posts, reminds me of when we used to raise and breed alpacas :)

  6. Beth says:

    “Love is in the air
    Everywhere I look around
    Love is in the air
    Every sight and every sound….”

    That song will be in my head all day.

  7. SkippyMom says:

    ::laughing at MissWiniW’s post:: heehee!

    I can’t wait to see what colorings their babies will have. Cute post.

  8. Tracey In Paradise,Pa. says:

    :woof: What a great story for a very windy rainy monday morning!! Love your goats!! You are too funny!!
    Hugs Granny Trace
    P.s My power is flickering in and out and the whole time I have been praying please just let me finish the story..lol finished!!

  9. CindyP says:

    :lol:

    So glad they are permanent on the farm! Clover will always have her boy toy! No more “renting” for her!

    :lol:

    Can’t wait for June! Can’t wait for the milking to begin!

  10. Jeanne says:

    What a way to start my Monday morning. Thanks! 8)

  11. Jan says:

    After our photo shoot this weekend, at the Hispanic Grocery Store, we purchased lollipops “paletas” made from goat’s milk. We concluded that you can’t taste the milk. The paletas have a great taste, like caramel. Come June, perhaps you can teach the world to make GOAT’s milk lollipops, live from Roane County!

    Jan
    Greensboro Daily Photo

  12. Diane says:

    Great Post for a Monday morning!! Thanks.

  13. Laura says:

    This was one of your funniest posts—-a great way to start the morning!!!

  14. amber says:

    :D Loved it…We used to raise goats, and it does get quite disgusting. But we still loved it. :ladybug:

  15. Richelle says:

    And you think that’s noise? Imagine having a small herd of 6 does and 2 bucks and living in Andalucia, Spain with on both sides of your property goat/sheep breeders with herds of over 300!!
    I could so recognize your descriptions of the noises and was laughing out loud! You forgot the funniest whuh, whuh sound though :-)

  16. NorthCountryGirl says:

    Just think of all the milk and cheese. Glad Clover found someone she likes.

  17. Leah says:

    Goat babies to come yeah! :pinkbunny:

  18. Julie Curtis says:

    Hahahah!! A steamy hot goat novelette for my coffee this morning!

  19. Johanna says:

    Were you playing Marvin Gaye or Barry White on their sound system? Sounds promising for your spring kids!

  20. Lisa says:

    Suzanne, have you explored the market for writing goat romances? Now that you’ve experienced Goat Romance 101, you’ve surely got enough material (and expertise) to write a prize-winning novel!!

  21. Runningtrails says:

    Goat babies! Goat babies! You’re going to have goat babies!

  22. Dianna McBride says:

    I love your animal pictures, Suzanne! Put them together with your cute captions and it is so much fun to read your blog!

  23. Amanda says:

    Suzanne that is hilarious just what I needed this morning!

  24. carol says:

    I am picturing two worn out but happy goats, laying in the hay and smoking cigarettes. Poor Eclispe…as soon as Clover is through with him, he will be tossed out like yesterday’s Farm Journal. Or is that how it goes for goats? What do I know….the closest I have come to goats is the container of Feta cheese in my fridge!

    Babies on the way now!!! Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. Nita in SC says:

    Great. How I am supposed to work today while I’m thinking about this?????

  26. Christine says:

    ROTFLMAO!!!! OMG, that was priceless.

  27. Cyndy Buiniskis says:

    Steamy goat sex first thing on Monday morning??? Lord have mercy! Too, too funny……this will keep me chuckling all day!

  28. Susan at Charm of the Carolines says:

    Suzanne, I laughed out loud!!!!! You are so funny!!! So what your saying is goats are horny. Who knew? That tongue thing is hilarious, too. Like a 70s Rock star.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Susan

  29. MElinda says:

    I laughed the entire time I was reading…….goat porn first thing in the morning…good grief! lol

    Hope you get some babies out of all that racket!

  30. Penny says:

    Reading this funny story is a fun way to start a day! Ohhhhh, and baby goats are coming, YAY!!! Do you plan on selling goats in the near future? I am looking for a couple of Nigerian Dwarfs….

  31. Dixie says:

    What Clover should be saying to her man…

    Cuz if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it
    If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it
    Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
    Cuz if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it
    Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
    Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

    Beyonce

  32. Billy says:

    Think about it… All sex is funny! Thanks for putting a smile on my face this morning Suzanne!

  33. Anke says:

    That was hilarious, I love those tongue pictures. And Clover is a cougar, who knew?

  34. Chic says:

    WOOOOHOOOOO….what a way to start the day LOL!!!!!! I can just see you all sitting on the porch watching the ‘action’ below. You Suzanne turning a little pink now and again and 52 just shaking his head hehehe. I can’t wait to see the babies this June and by the sounds of it..it’s going to be a sure thing! Life on the farm…ain’t life grand!!!! :hungry2:

  35. Phyllis Ryan says:

    Oh, what a wonderful way to start the week. I will be laughing about this all day. You go Clover.

  36. KentuckyFarmGirl says:

    Don’t worry Nutmeg will be interested before you know it. It only takes a doe a couple of days around a buck to come into heat. We bred our Pygmies for the first time last year and I know what you mean about the noise! Those bucks are “quick” little fellows if you know what I mean. Don’t blink or might miss the action but don’t worry it will happen again and again and again LOL.

  37. Valerie says:

    This just might be the funniest post I’ve ever read. And the comments from your readers are hilarious, too. I had to show this to my dh, as the pictures accompanying the story just further painted the picture of the goings-on. Who knew that Clover could throw off her mantle of snooty respectability and get it on with someone she just met? I can’t wait to see some babies in June. Twins aren’t just a baseball team!

  38. lizzie says:

    this was… by far…. the best blog…. ever.

  39. Jo says:

    You should film this with you camcorder so we can get the full effect of all the noises! :lol:

    (I don’t know, though…I think I’d get embarrassed listening :bugeyed: )

  40. Ulli says:

    Oh my gosh…. we’ve had the flu here and you have me laughing so hard I’m coughing up a storm! I think I even heard them from my house in VA! Thanks for the hilarious post! I’ll never look at an “old goat” (man) the same again! I may be scarred for life!

  41. kerri says:

    No one can say life in the country is dull or boring! :) Stringtown Rising Farm is a growing concern by the sound of things. We’ll all look forward to those June babies!

  42. Debnfla3 says:

    This is so funny!
    Who would think that 2 goats would be so noisy???

    Deb

  43. Emily says:

    Bow…chicka wow wow!OMG! That was freakin’ hilarious!

  44. Lynette says:

    GO CLOVER!! It’s your birthday! GO CLOVER!! It’s your birthday! :hug: So funny Suzanne! Thanks for the laugh today!

  45. shirley says:

    It didn’t take her long to shelve that tiara, did it? I knew she was a BAAAd girl all along. That was so dang funny!

  46. Angel Pierce says:

    :whip: It gives a WHOLE new meaning to sex ed doesnt it?????
    When we were looking for a male suitor for our goat Tilly my teenaged boys had quite the quick questions and comments….
    :o :o

  47. thistlewoodmanor says:

    What? No naughty goat porn pictures? I am laughing so hard at this post; I’ve gotta get me some goats. I’ve got my husband hooked on your blog now too.

  48. Jen R (emeraldsunshine.org) says:

    What a salty girl. But hey, can you blame her? Everyone likes a little action (you know it!).

  49. Laurie in Wisconsin says:

    LOL Suzanne, that is a great way for me to start the week, Horny goats, LOL! I look forward to pictures of the babies. I got my Mom hooked on this site too, she LOVES those cute animals too. Have a great day!

  50. Kathy B. says:

    My oh my oh my! Goat love, what is a person to do except stand aside and let goat love take it’s fill, and then enjoy the fruit of all it produces in the spring. Baby goats…

  51. Cousin Sheryl says:

    OMG! OMG! …………ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :happyfeet: :shimmy: :devil2:

    I just SPIT iced tea all over my computer desk!!!!! Tears are running down my cheeks…I think I am having a laugh seizure!

    (Thank goodness, I finally got my computer back…I have been off-line for a month and I had to go to the library to catch up on Suzanne. Unfortunately, they frown on you spitting tea on their computer screens at the Library! LOL)

    Luv it, Suzanne, and luv you, too! :heart:

  52. Diane A says:

    Hahahaha!!!! I love this story and hopefully it will have a happy ending with at least one beautiful kid being born!

  53. Nancy says:

    Now I know why someone invented “ROTFLMAO”!! Too funny, I have tears in my eyes…

  54. Sharee says:

    That was awesome and so so so funny. Let me know if the chicken feed thing works for you! I want you to have eggs!

  55. JJ says:

    I’ve been following your blog for several weeks (and thoroughly enjoying it). After today’s post, I HAD to register and leave a comment–but you left me speechless!

  56. debbie says:

    Well, so much for trying to hide a couple of Nigerian Dwarf goats in my backyard. Not when we can shake hands with the neighbors next door out of each others windows. My guess is they’d hear all the goat noises. Maybe they’d just think my husband and I are an “interesting” couple. :bugeyed:

    So, if you are keeping “the boys”, don’t they have to be separated from the girls when their “services” are no longer required? I’ve heard that there is a funny taste to goat’s milk when a buck is kept with the does. Not to mention, I think the does would get a little tired after awhile.

  57. Tammy says:

    I was laughing so hard reading this that I was crying, my hubby kept asking what was so funny and I could not even tel him. Life on a farm is great. Thanks for the funny post. :lol:

  58. JenInStCharles says:

    The funniest! Laughed out loud, here at work. you are too funny Suzanne! and who would have guessed that Clover was so easy… i always thought she was so prim and princess. Haha

  59. frayed1 says:

    Ohhh! So true, so true! I absolutely loved this story!! My Grandad had milk goats years ago, and you have made my morning much brighter !!

  60. catslady says:

    What did Morgan think hahahahahaha.

  61. DonnaTN says:

    Your posts are always so educational for a city girl! Thanks for such an entertaining post!

  62. Nancy in Iowa says:

    O. M. G.!!! Clover – I would never have believed this behavior of you! Yep, as another commenter said, Clover turned out to be a cougar – just needed Cowboy’s son to make her dreams come true!

    So, did you and 52 have beer and pretzels while you watched the goat porn, and cigarettes after? :dancingmonster:

  63. RuthieG/TXLady says:

    Too funny. I understand the two males better now. I hope you have lots of babies. Seems from your tales, Clover is receptive (no pun intended..OK I did intend) to the idea.

  64. Ruth - north CA says:

    Oh, dear, the aftermath of that posting leaves one weak … from the laughing, I mean! It does give a window into why Greek mythology had fauns that were half man, half goat. Every mythos has a core of truth somewhere and plainly there were hugely naughty boys that behaved no better than horned male goats, lol! Polishes off where that adjective “horny” came from!

  65. JOJO says:

    :snowman: :woof: :snowman:
    –sound lIke an R rated barn yard romance novel–who would play thier parts in a human movie version?? Angelina and Brad?
    WOW!!
    I smell Oscar!!

  66. Lola-Dawn says:

    We’ve been sharing this around my office all day today and all of us enjoying the laugh! We offer Beginner’s computer classes to seniors here, so shared it with the class too … much laughter! Thank you! looking forward to baby goats …

  67. Cheryl says:

    Hope Clover never has to choose between her new boy-toy and cookies. What’s a gal to do?

    Love the fifth picture down. They look like guilty teenagers.

    So funny!!

    Our nannies should start kidding toward the end of February. Can’t wait.

  68. The Retired One says:

    Hilarious!!!!!

    Just hilarious!

    I can’t wait for little goat babies….

  69. Shelley (eastern Roane County) says:

    Oh my, I see what I have to look forward to in a couple of months. Thanks you for a great laugh after a rough day.

  70. Alanna says:

    Clover is too cute- a true pin-up goat! I had visions of Elicipse with the tongue thing-The group Kiss comes to mind! This is the best post yet. I’ve been howling all day-too funny! I guess-“Girls Just Want To Have Fun”!Can’t wait to see the baby goats they produce!

  71. tabbimama says:

    Thanks Suzanne for making me laugh until tears rolled down my face. You are a very talented writer. Clover!!!!! I always knew under that haughty exterior was a harlot waiting to find the right goatman. Who knew you’d change so fast though? Just goes to show when the right male comes along, it’s magic.

  72. SuzieQ says:

    This is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in ages… I’ll probably be laughing for days just thinking about it!
    :dancingmonster:

  73. scorwin says:

    No one ever told me about goats and their breeding before!! How funny! Can’t wait to see the little babies!!

  74. SuzzyQ says:

    Hilarious! Too funny and I thought this was a “G” rated blog! Nice to know the goats have a great
    “relationship”!

  75. princessvanessa says:

    I LOVE 52’s response (“It’s far, far too late”) to your suggestion of reading a Bible and saving the goats.
    I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pantaloons.

  76. Cindy says:

    I have laughed so hard this afternoon at the goat stories..you have such a wonderful way with words…I love it…makes me thin of James Herriot.

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