Clover? My darling? I’m going shopping. I’m going to get everything I need to milk you. And then you’re going to let me.
We’ll discuss this later. Look! The big city!
Okay, not exactly the big city, but I just came off a farm on a rock road in the middle of nowhere. This is the bigtime! Ripley! The biggest town in the next county over. I hear there is a good farm store here. I need home dairy supplies and–
Come closer, My Beloved. I have not seen you in so long.
Did I mention I live on a farm on a rock road in the middle of nowhere?
OHMYGOD!!! That was so good!!!!!!!! I’m so glad I came here to go to Taco Bell!!!
Oh. Wait. That’s NOT why I came here.
THAT’S why I came here.
And it’s such a fun store! Look, they have all these little toy cows and horses and pigs and…. Where are the goats? All these toy farm animals and no goats. But they have dinosaurs!
If this goat farm thing doesn’t work out, I’m totally doing a dinosaur farm next.
Look, chore boots. Who would buy chore boots? That doesn’t sound fun at all.
If I’m buying any boots, I want these boots.
Except I don’t need any boots. I have some chore boots at home already.
I don’t need any of these, either.
That’s just plain scary.
I could use one of these, though…..
I couldn’t resist. And–score! I got milk filters, too.
I asked the clerk for a small, seamless, stainless, hooded or lidded dairy pail for goats. She said, “We don’t have that.” Who does? She said, “That’s specialized equipment. You should go to Ohio and get that from the Amish people. It’s only two hours and ten minutes to Ohio.” And two hours and ten minutes back……
So, we struck out for Ohio.
NOT REALLY. We went to Charleston. It was only thirty minutes away from Ripley. Though, as far as I know, there are no Amish people in Charleston. There is, however, a Green’s!
Where they have fun stuff like toys for horses. If I ever get a horse, I’m getting them a ball!!!
But look! I found a stainless steel 2-quart pail–small, right for goat size–and I didn’t even have to go to Ohio.
It was in the pet food aisle.
So I came home and said, “Clover?”
And she looked really eager!!!!
But she scampered right up on the milkstand when she saw us put the food in the milkstand tray.
And went right at it.
Now let me just say that, #1, we got her in the milkstand, eating, and I realized that I FORGOT THE MILK PAIL UPSTAIRS. So I ran upstairs to get it and then back down. And that, #2, this first-time milking process (first-time for Clover AND first-time for me) involved FOUR people. 52, who was in charge of handling Clover. Me, in charge of milking. 17’s girlfriend, in charge of photography. And 17, who was in charge of…..
…..leaning on the gate and eating a sandwich. But I’m sure he was enjoying himself. Like, more than the rest of us.
It started out okay…..
I was all studied up. I could even do it two-handed! And, like, I was MAKING MILK COME OUT OF HER MAGIC UDDER!
OUT OF CLOVER’S UDDER!!!! WHICH I WAS TOUCHING!!!
Then she kicked me.
And kicked me and kicked me and stomped on my hand and tried to sit down on the pail.
Trying to sit during milking, and kicking, isn’t uncommon in a first-freshener (first-time milking goat). Which is why four people were there. I said, “You’re goin’ down, missy!”
Clover said, “I want twenty cookies, every morning!”
I said, “Ten!”
She said, “TWENTY! and I want thirty more logs to play on!”
I said, “Twenty cookies but no more logs! I ALMOST WENT TO OHIO FOR YOU!”
And she said, “I WANT SATELLITE INTERNET IN THE PEN!” And then she kicked me and stomped on my hand again and said, “YOU ARE TOO LAZY TO GO TO OHIO!”
And I said, “OKAY. TWO HUNDRED COOKIES. FIFTY MORE LOGS. SATELLITE INTERNET!!! WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!!!”
She sorta stopped kicking and sorta stopped trying to sit on the milk pail. She had a whole lot more milk in her (a dwarf dairy goat like Clover should be able to give a pint or two a day), but I was tired and she was tired. And I decided we’d had enough for the first time. Besides, I did it!!!
I MILKED HER!!!
Then I took it into the house, put it through the strainer and into the carefully sterilized jar I had prepared for my milk fiesta then chilled it.
I am SO makin’ cheese in ten years at this rate……… Anyone know a recipe for a tablespoon of milk? I MILKED HER!!!!!! And–I tasted it. It is the sweetest milk I’ve ever tasted.
She is goin’ down! I WANT MORE!