Too Sexy for Her Udder


Beulah Petunia’s been picking through her wardrobe, polishing her nails, getting her hair done, spraying on perfume. She’s got a date! A very important date! June is her month to get bred!

But when exactly?

Farmers and ranchers take cow-breeding quite seriously. There are whole lists of things to watch for to determine when they are in heat.

1. Cows “riding” each other. (Including girl-on-girl action.)

2. Hair “mussed” or even rubbed off. (Might be a sign of “riding” when you weren’t lookin’.) Another way to catch that is to put chalk on their back ends and see if the chalk gets rubbed off. They also have chin ball markers and heat mount detectors.

3. Following other cows around, rubbing and sniffing and nuzzling.

4. Cows grouping together.

5. Nervous, sometimes aggressive, behavior, including bawling.

6. Clear, stringy discharge.

7. Swollen “flower petals.”

8. Bloody discharge (as a sign that heat is ending).

9. Milk production drops.

10. More peeing. (Really? But cows pee so much, like gallons. Do they measure?)

Some farmers/ranchers even pay the help a bonus to spot a cow in heat, and often assign one person to the job.

The chickens are always keeping a close eye on BP’s back end since snacks come out of there. I wonder if I could offer that rooster a bonus?

Of course, most of the signs listed involve having a bunch of cows. I don’t have a bunch of cows so I’m pretty much going to have to rely on BP’s flower petals. A cow goes into heat approximately every 21 days and is in heat for about 30 hours. The peak fertile period is in the middle of this time and is called standing heat. When they first go into heat, they may not stand for a bull. Which, you know, gives you time to go find one. But you can’t wait too long because before you know it they will be out of heat. We will be taking BP across the road to the hill up by the little cemetery where our farmer friend Skip is going to bring his bull to meet BP. It will be so romantic!

A cow is pregnant for about 9 1/2 months, so if I want an early spring baby (and a winter drying off), BP needs bred this month. July at the latest, which gives me an extra month to try just in case I mess up this time.

I’m watching BP’s flower petals closely.

Are you feeling sexy, BP?

Are you feeling it? Hmm? Are ya?!

She’s hiding it, but she’s really excited.

I check her flower petals every morning and evening to see if anything clear and stringy is oozing from her. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. I wonder if I’ll get a bonus?

There’s nothing like getting all personal with a cow and her flower petals. Her petals are right under certain other parts. Did you know that cows moo from both ends? Really, the things you learn when you start spending quality time with your cow’s flower petals!

If you watched that video (especially if you watched that video with your breakfast), I APOLOGIZE.


  1. wvhomecanner says:

    ROFL! This is great! Only on CiTR! I have to give you extra points for no giggling during filming :cowsleep:


  2. marymac says:

    My gosh Suzanne, how DID you do that with out laughing!!!!? I started laughing when I read about the chickens following her around waiting for some snacks, that is too funny!!!! What can I say about the video? I loved it, you are some thing else , I love starting my day off this way, thanks!

  3. Wendy says:

    ROFL…BP:’Oh, the indignity of it all’

  4. Miss Judy says:

    I can remember my grandpa coming in after milking telling my mom to “call the bull”. He never kept a bull…used artifical inseminatation. That always brought a lot of questions to my 6 year old mind.I was never allowed to be near the barn when the proceedure was done. For a while I use to say I wanted to be a “bull” when I grew up. That comment always got a chuckle from Grandad. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. MonkeyPhil says:

    Sorry, but mooing from the other end is more than I want to know. Love the chickens though.

  6. CATRAY44 says:

    That is the funniest thing I have seen in a loooonggg time! lol

  7. LMo says:

    What does it say about me that I just watched this video and laughed for five minutes at my computer screen? I’m simultaneously revolted and tickled. Still wiping the tears from my eyes.

  8. morningstar says:

    Ohh Suzanne you do make me laugh the things you think of. Now my cats think I have finally gone crazy for screaming with laughter.

  9. twiggityNDgoats says:

    How lucky that you have a bull in the neighborhood. That should make things easier I would think. What flavor is he? Oh, and regarding the video…I think I’m glad I have slow dial-up ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. Windflower says:

    Too much information, lol :cowsleep:

  11. MandyD says:

    That’s hilarious!

    I grew up on a dairy farm and remember diligently reporting to my father which cow was “riding” another cow. It was years before I understood exactly what it meant. Dad explained, “That means they want to have a baby,” and I guess I never questioned it. He would let me watch while he artificially inseminated a cow but I was much older before I saw what happened when a real bull was around :bugeyed: I never did know why he inseminated artificially sometimes and used a real bull others – I’ll have to ask.

  12. mamapeeps says:

    omg girl!! My dog barks out both ends too. :snoopy: We have such talented critters! Once again, thanks for sharing . . . I think. :wave:

  13. NancyL says:

    Oh good Heavens! I think my snack crackers just mooed!! I wish my Mom were still with us – I’d show her the video and watch her giggle knowingly! She always talked about “her” cow that she milked as a kid.

  14. Zusiqu says:

    Can’t. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard.

  15. daria says:

    This was way too funny! I made my husband watch and he was less impressed… I too am amazed at your ability to not laugh while filming.

  16. Aggiemom says:

    :moo: :moo: :moo:
    Laughed so hard I actually fell off my chair. Thank you for the education about cow love and most of all for the video. I really needed a good laugh and you sure supplied that!! :dancingmonster:

  17. yvonnem says:

    Well… was funny….and gross!!!!

    Good luck with the “flower petal watching”!

    Ya gotta do what you gotta do……. :dancingmonster:

  18. cabynfevr says:

    hahahahaha!!! I can’t believe you did that…I’m crying right now. You can just see her thinking ” seriously, woman, have you no shame? PRIVACY…look it up!” hahahahaha

  19. Chic says:

    That was hilarious… I had to be careful I didn’t wake my hubby up I was laughing so hard! That’s great that you have a bull close by….good luck with that! Interesting info about how to know if a cow is ready to be bred..I learned something new today…thanks ๐Ÿ˜‰ Have a wonderful Sunday.
    Maura ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. wildcat says:

    I can just see BP now, with her hooves painted pink, and rollers in her hair, getting ready for her big date. ROTFL!

  21. DarleneS says:

    I learn something new on here everyday. Cows are so sweet looking.

  22. merng says:

    That was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while, who knew?

  23. Donna says:

    First it was goat porn, now tidbits from the bovine boudoir! Suzanne, girl… what WILL it be next? LOL!!! :clover:

  24. lavenderblue says:

    Maybe they have to moo from both ends, otherwise they might get hemme… hemmer… oh, darnit, piles.

    At the risk of being even grosser, if that is possible, will you also show us when her “petal” have properly bloomed? Sorry, BP, more indignity, I know, but these are things we who long for the farm life hope to need to know someday.

  25. Merryment says:

    Well, it could be worse. I was trained to do AI when I was at ag college. And you’re up to your armpit in the, um, sewer, not the recreational area. And she doesn’t want you there, so she’ll try sitting on you or will try to expel you. And there were guys that didn’t even wear the vinyl opera-length gloves to do this. Now that is gross! :moo:

  26. lizzie says:

    All the sex education you needed to know about milk cows!!! I needed this laugh today, thank you!!!! BP is quite the lady and she looks like she is getting ready for her big date! :snoopy:

  27. mommy2kai says:

    HOLY COW!! (no pun intended!) I’m blushing for BP here! I now know more about cows and their ladybits than I ever thought possible! I hope her hot date with the bull works out!

  28. BeverlyC says:

    LOL!!! I can just imagine BP saying “I feel sooooo VIOLATED!” Thanks for the BEST “click” of the day!

  29. DB says:

    I’m just picturing you standing there with the video camera aimed at her back end……

  30. Merryment says:

    Soooo, how are ZuZu’s, uh, BP’s, petals? :devil2:

  31. GingerB says:

    That’s too funny and I completely identify with you. Have been elbowing my way in to have a look at my own cow and heifer’s back ends (my chickens and ducks also know where the treat dispenser is!). And I do have a bull, who is good at elbowing his own way in there too. But maybe he just wants me out of there because he knows he is on the market or in the freezer once his job is done this year! I have Irish Dexters, and I love my little cows (and little bull…). As far as being gross…well, gross covers A LOT of territory on a farm!

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