they keep finding me


Some guy called last night. His name was Travis and I bet he had rosy cheeks. He said, “Hi! [real bouncy like] My name is Travis! I’m calling from Abilene Christian University!” I was cooking dinner and in no mood for Tigger to ask me for money. I said, “GO AWAY” and slammed the phone down.

I have been to four universities. The first one was Abilene Christian University (ACU), which is a Church of Christ school in Texas where my parents sent me to find a good Christian boy. The second was a college in South Carolina where I went for awhile after I married the bad boy who didn’t go to ACU but did take me to a Holiday Inn after I sneaked out the window from my dorm. The third, where I got my degree, was Texas Tech. The fourth was the school where I got my teaching certification later when I decided to ruin my life for two years by teaching 7th graders. Texas Tech, where I actually got a degree, never calls me. The other two schools never call me. I have moved about 4,392 times since I went to ACU but they always find me and they call me. Must be their direct line to GOD. They always know where I am.

When I started going to school at ACU, I was 16 years old. Yes, you read that right. I am SMART, people! LOL. I am so smart that the first thing I did once I got 2000 miles away from Mom and Dad was clip out an ad from the back of a magazine and get a fake ID so I could sneak out to drink at bars. You are NOT allowed to drink alcohol if you go to school at ACU. It is grounds for dismissal from the university. I could have cared less. I was 2000 miles away from Mom and Dad and I had a fake ID. Let the good times roll. At ACU, you not only had to go to chapel every day (where your assigned seat was checked for attendance) you also had to be in the dorm at curfew every night and the beds were CHECKED. We used to stuff our beds in sleeping-person-shape and head out for the night. Or, another good plan was to actually let the R.A. (resident advisor, in charge of bed check) actually open your door and see you THEN climb out the window. That was so fun. Like escaping from Alcatraz. Of course, once you left, you couldn’t come back. The doors were LOCKED and guarded by angels with fiery swords. This is why I ended up at the Holiday Inn with my bad boy not-yet-my-husband when I was 17 years old.

By my second year at ACU, I was so busy using my fake ID that I really didn’t have time for class. In order to protect the innocent, I can’t tell this whole story, but one night I ended up in the dorm parking lot after curfew and the dorm matron (who used to hand out brochures that were made in the 1950s warning girls of the woes of being unladylike) came out in her hair curlers to nail us. I ended up in the dean’s office where he pointed out that I hadn’t been to class in two months. Oops. He gave me $100 in cash and told me to go home. I AM NOT KIDDING. The man gave me cash. I left his office and promptly blew the entire $100 partying all over town. I mean, what was he thinking? I had to drive all the way back to California from Abilene, Texas on gas fumes and good looks. I still can’t go to Arizona because of that ticket I got for going 90 mph on I-20. I’m afraid they’ll arrest me because I never paid it. I don’t think my parents were all that excited when I got home, but I married that bad boy who took me to the Holiday Inn and we have three children now so I think they’re almost over it.

I really wanted to tell Travis about all of this and tell him to just SAVE HIMSELF SOME TROUBLE AND GO STRAIGHT TO TEXAS TECH. But he did sound like he had rosy cheeks. I bet he goes to chapel every day and doesn’t even pay his friends to take turns sitting in his seat.

Someone told me recently that they put in “Church of Christ” and “blog” in Google and my blog came up. Man, that is scary. Apparently every time I mention the Church of Christ it gets me googled for it. What if our preacher reads about the burka jokes? But I am the girl who climbed out of dorm windows. I like to live dangerously.


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